It’s National Suicide Prevention Week and World Suicide Prevention Day is September 10. In this article, I’m going to be candid about my own struggle. Be warned that this may be difficult for some to read, but I think it’s important to discuss. If I don’t talk about it, then I’m not helping the population living with mental illness and I wouldn’t bring awareness of what it’s like. Also, talking and writing about it is therapeutic for me.
I made my first suicidal attempt when I was 7-years-old. I’ve struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts my entire life. I have days when I feel like I’m on top of it, that life can’t get any better. Then there are days when it takes so much energy to get out of bed that I’m back in bed 2 hours later. Most days I cry to some degree. Minor tears are on average days and non-stop crying on really bad days. Sometimes I prefer to sleep, that way I don’t have to deal with the feelings. For me, the depressive symptoms are worst at night. I have to remind myself to get some sleep, I will feel better in the morning.
If you think someone is mentally struggling, don’t be afraid to reach out and listen. It is ok to ask someone if he is suicidal. You’re not putting that idea in his head. Chances are, the idea is already there. By asking that person if she is suicidal, it forces a response. Talking is actually therapeutic. Just be prepared for the conversation. More importantly, be an active listener. Just having someone listen can be life changing. Being a good listener can save someone’s life. If the person has a plan for suicide, then get that person immediate help. On the other hand, intentionally avoiding someone because of their depression or suicidal ideations can be more harmful. Making a difference in someone’s life is not a spectator activity. Unfortunately, I’ve had a lot more people walk away from me then come forward to offer to listen. That makes me sad to think about it. Fortunately, I have a constant support from my husband and in-laws.
I want to address some thoughts about depression and suicide.
“Just snap out of it”
I struggle with negative thoughts that I cannot control. These negative thoughts that I struggle with are related to worthlessness, being a burden. I question whether I deserve happiness. I’m difficult to love. I’m too crazy. I don’t deserve to live. Despite how irrational these may seem, these are the thoughts I struggle with, consuming my waking thoughts, and sometimes they’re hard for me to not believe them. I wish it was so easy to dismiss them. In mental illness, they aren’t easily dismissed.
I have to manage them. That may involve positive self-talk or integrating positive affirmations in everyday activities. My passwords are typically phrases of positive affirmations. This is just an easy way to remind myself to be positive. I wish it was that simple to “snap out of it”. Try applying that phrase to other medical conditions and ask yourself if that is possible. For example, would you say “snap out of it” to someone experiencing an asthma episode or a seizure?
There is a difference between wanting to die and being suicidal.
Both are bad. However, they do not mean the same thing. Some days, I want to die. It doesn’t mean that I want to end my life by my own will. Sometimes I struggle so much that I figured if I die, I know that pain will go away. I struggle with this thought the most. Suicidal is wanting to take the action. While both are bad, there is a progression in mental illness. Being suicidal implies the will to take action. While I want to die, I do not have a desire to take my own life. Despite how bad this may seem, there is still hope.
“But you have it all, you shouldn’t feel depressed”
Depression doesn’t discriminate, it is a mental illness. While it’s common that just about everyone has days that they feel a little down, clinical depression is not like that. Would you tell someone with cancer that they shouldn’t have cancer because they have the most amazing spouse or an amazing job? A child shouldn’t be depressed, yet this happens in mental illness. Being successful in life doesn’t reduce your risk of being depressed.
“He had a great life, but he wasted it on a selfish act”
Suicide is a result of endless, merciless pain from mental illness. All because someone appears fine on the surface doesn’t mean that person isn’t struggling internally. I don’t consider suicide as a selfish act. Whenever I hear that, I’m reminded how misunderstood depression is. When the negative thoughts and feelings get bad, it makes you want to die. Sometimes these feelings escalate when the negative thoughts consume everyday life and interferes with daily function. You want the pain to go away so badly that you’re willing to take your own life to end the misery and internal torture.
Not Everyone with Mental Illness are Criminals
What we see in the media doesn’t help with the stigma of mental illness. There is so much talk about mental illness and mass shootings. Often times, people are speculating the perpetrators have mental illness. Usually these behaviors are a result from NOT being diagnosed with mental illness AND not being treated for mental illness. All this attention about gun control and mental illness drive me crazy. The problem is 1) background checks are not medical assessments or psychological evaluations and 2) being diagnosed with a mental illness will not show up on a criminal background check. I’m not going into a dissertation of gun control. However, those with a mental illness diagnosis are asked if they have access to a gun. Often family members or support persons are involved with their loved ones’ mental health support. In my opinion, they are also responsible for ensuring their loved one’s safety and ensuring a safe environment.
I will never own a gun. I will not seek access to a gun. I do not trust myself with a gun. I am not homicidal, but I do have suicidal tendencies, at times. While I know I will not physically harm others, I have a history of harming myself. I’m afraid that in my worse days, if I had access to a gun, I will end my life.
Mental illness cannot be cured. If there is a cure, we wouldn’t have a problem with mental illness. Anyone with a history of mental illness suggesting they are cured should cause some red flags. Mental illness can be treated and managed. Is there a cure for diabetes? Is there a cure for asthma? Just like those chronic conditions, they have to be managed and they include good days and bad days. Mental illness is treated and managed with medication, therapy, and a strong support system.
#Bethe1To #NSPW15
Here are some resources that may help:
Taking Another Breath 